Graybyrd's Quick and Dirty

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Mail Delays

Good morning. This is Acme Satellite Services. How may I direct your call?

To the service department, please.

May I enquire regarding the nature of your call, sir? Is this a request for service; a complaint regarding service; a request for modification of...

It's a protest about NO service, ma'am. Now please connect me to yer service department!

There's no need for rude interruptions, sir. Please wait one moment while I connect you.

90 seconds of "Over the Rainbow" Muzac (c) follows

Acme Satellite Services Service Department, JJ Finlay here. How may I help you?

Services? How come my effin' TV 'n' Internet service is cut off. It went blank just this morning. No warnin' or nuthin', it just went blank!

I see from your account ID listed with your calling number that your service was ordered terminated at 0400 hours this morning for... lets see here... oh, yes. Non-Payment On Account. That's very serious, sir, and will invoke substantial reconnect fees if you wish to reinstate service, sir.

But I mailed this month's invoice and payment a week ago! I have my check register copy of the check I sent!

I'm sorry, sir, but my record shows that the payment arrived four days after the service termination deadline.

Well, maybe so, but that's not my fault! First off, I mailed it to arrive on time, before your payment deadline. Check the damn postmark. And while we're at it, your invoice arrived barely in time for me to get a payment back to you! How about them apples?

Sir, Acme Satellite accounts policy is firm. We send invoices a full 15 days prior to payment deadline. Check the postmark on your billing envelope and you'll see that we strictly adhere to the date requirement.

Well, what about the postmark on my payment envelope? Don't that count fer something?

No sir, it does not satisfy the requirement that payment is due no later than our service continuation deadline. Your payment arrived after the deadline. I'm sorry, sir, but our policy is firm. Your service is terminated and if you wish to reinstate you must send a new service order and a certified check for... lets see here... $147.97 plus tax plus certification fee plus service call fee... that would be a total of $283.55. Make the check payable to...

NO DAMNED WAY, you effing crooks! You're tellin' me that your invoice can be late cuz the damned Post Office was slow, and that don't count! And you're tellin' me that I can mail my payment early, and if it arrives late because the damned Post Office was slow, and that COUNTS AGAINST ME? You're playin' the post office delays both ways, in your favor and against me? How's that fair? And you want nearly 300 bucks to put my service back? And what happens next month? You bust my ass again? Because I can't send your damned invoice payment until I get it and that guarantees you'll get my payment AFTER the deadline?

That's pretty much it, sir. Welcome to the new U.S. Postal Service reorganization and efficiency standards, sir. We're pleased to support our Presidential efforts in bringing American services into line with global standards. Is there anything else I may help you with? Do you wish to order a reinstatement form? We can mail it today. You'll be expected to return the request to arrive here no later than two weeks from today... or it will be null and void. And don't forget to enclose that Certified Check for $283.55. Please be aware, if it arrives late, there will be an additional $124.95 late re-application fee. Have a good day, sir.

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